An Introduction

I think I thought life would be more put together.

I’m not sure how to articulate exactly what I’m feeling. I suppose little Vivi thought that things would happen around her, not her making things happen. 

Of course, things do happen, and they typically flip my plan upside down and inside out until I’m all twisted up trying to right myself. 

I have so much to be grateful for. I’m 20. I have an education, and a stable job. I have access to my loved ones near constantly through the metal and glass plate I carry that emits magic information rays. I have a support system, a family, my friends, my cat. 

Yet I can't shake this feeling that I’ve been chasing something unknown and nearly unattainable for years, ever since I could feel ambition. Or should I call it greed? I desire more, every day. Do better. Try harder. Work more. Spend more. I’m fighting to find that plateau where the world stops, just for a second, so I can catch my breath. I don’t even think it exists; if it did, there would just be another steep hill. 

So terribly exhausting, right? Woe is me, haha. I believe we all have this chase in life, our ‘if only’s’ and ‘when I can’s’. Everyone has a battle they must win in their own mind. Which brings me to mine. 

I draw. I love to draw. Every time I brush eraser crumbs off my paper, cap my inking pen, and shut off my drawing tablet with a new picture to hoard in my heart, it’s like I can see a mirage of that plateau. All my characters, my fanart, my silly comics and darker ones, are precious to me. 

Art and creation brings me closest to reaching this unknown destination, in both a spiritual and, hopefully someday, materialistic way. 

I want to create, and I want to make money from it. What shall I create, you might ask? I have no idea. Or shall I say, far too many? I’ll be two chapters into my best story yet, then get an urge to catch on to a trend of reels, before I’m distracted by the potential of making commissions, until, somehow, I’ll be crocheting keychain stuffies. I’ve been overwhelmed by the possibilities and potentials thrown at me through the internet and social media. I know I’m not the only one. I too have felt that sting when your post you really, really liked, flops. I know what it’s like to think, ‘There’s so many others. How will I ever have a chance?’. I’ve thrown sketchbooks during artblock. I’ve given up altogether, once upon a time. 

I don’t care anymore. I’m going to throw everything I have against the wall until I see what sticks. This blog will be that journey. I want to share my growth, as it happens.

At the moment, I have 488 followers on Instagram, no published stories or material, and about 200 views per post. I’ve dabbled in other socials, but never committed.

I’m going to try to figure this out. If this post sparked something of a similar experience for you, come again. You’re more than welcome.